Numbness.

I spend quite a lot of time watching TV. Admittedly a lot less now that I'm busy/studying again, but it used to be my most common past-time. Partly this is because there's tv shows that I absolutely LOVE, and that make me feel happier. But perhaps just as often, unfortunately, I just get glued to the screen and spend hours watching things that I don't even particularely like. And I know that I'm not alone in this. I think some of the most popular tv shows are just popular because no one really cares about them either way, you don't care enough to turn away, and when you come across it you sort of keep watching. But the more I think about it, the more this saddens me.

Similarely I am online a lot. And again, this is partly because there are sites and blogs that I love, but mostly I just spend my time browsing and reading things I don't even really care about. Hours can go by without feeling anything, just clicking and clicking and reading this and that not caring. It scares me how easily I can go on automatic time-wasting pilot when on my computer.

The worst life I can imagine is one filled with boredom. Thankfully I don't get bored easily, so I don't think this is a fate I'll have to fear. But perhaps it's just as bad to spend a life consuming things you don't particularely care about, things that don't make you feel anything. When you love or hate something, it gives you energy, it gives you a will to live, it makes you feel alive, it gives meaning to life. I identify myself by the things I love and hate, the easiest description of myself would be saying that I love Shostakovich, my bunny, the sea, dresses, Arnulf Rainer, Robert Levon Been, loud music, philosophy and Lee Pace, and that I hate misogyny, Geert Wilders, Mozart and willful ignorance. Among other things, obviously there's a lot more. These are all a part of who I am, they are important to me (the love much more than the hate, but I think that goes without saying. I dislike the word hate anyway, I think I strongly dislike a lot more things than I hate. Too much hate is toxic).

So why, if I can enjoy things very intensely, do I still spend time watching all these random things that make me feel nothing? I don't know. Part of the reason why I started this blog is so that I can focus on things I love, and pay more attention to them, and try to share the love with others, but I think I have to be more serious about this. And therefore I have promised to myself that I will not spend any more time watching/listening to/reading numbing things. Instead I will focus my time on educating myself and on doing things I love. Because my life is too short and too important to waste.