For as long as I can remember I’ve been obsessed with music. My preference has certainly changed over the years and even though I cannot listen to some bands that I used to love anymore, I’d like to think that’s just part of growing up. And even with all of these changes, my love for music has not diminished, and I don’t think it ever will. I find it quite difficult to explain exactly why music means to much to me, mostly because I find that it goes beyond language. But still, I will give it a try, mostly because I sometimes fear that I’m alienating people by being so obsessive and not explaining things properly.
I could make this some sort of chronological account of what bands I’ve been obsessed with, but that’s not really the point. The point is that for me life is pointless without music. When I was younger this was not only because of the actual sounds, but also the feeling of a community, the feeling of recognition and acknowledgement, finding other people who are alike. Now that I am more confident in who I am, this community is still very pleasant but not so much a necessity anymore, even though I do still feel a great need to share music I love.
As someone who’s struggled with her body for as long as she can remember, music has often been the only medium through which I can actually feel and acknowledge my body. This may sound very abstract, but for a very long time I’ve thought of myself as a head, as thoughts and ideas, but not as a body (despite being aware of having one, feeling trapped). I therefore tried to avoid a lot of activities that reminded me of being a body, not the least of all those of the romantic kind. But music, music has always been a release for me. Whether it’s through dancing to bands or just moving like a spazz or just experiencing things, music is a physical experience.
My mind is always going on and on and on and on, and even though I don’t worry that much anymore and the thoughts aren’t negative, it can be exhausting sometimes. If I read a book, I play it over and over again in my head, if I read a philosophical article I’ll be thinking about it for ages. There’s so many decisions to be made every single day, and for some people it’s easy, but I tend to overthink everything. It’s therefore quite pleasant to not be thinking much at all. It’s why I enjoy watching tv and movies so much, I get to turn my mind of and have someone’s elses ideas entertain me. But most tv shows and movies are entertaining on a profoundly superficial level, and although they stop my thoughts, they don’t make me feel all that much (with some obvious exceptions like The Fall).
But music, music makes me feel everything. It makes me feel every inch of my body and makes me feel overwhelming love and sadness and pain and fury and happiness. There is nothing that makes me feel more (alive, perhaps) than a Shostakovich symphony or seeing Black Rebel Motorcycle Club live. Nothing that makes me feel more aware of myself as a body, yet also goes far beyond that, and makes me just feel. And there is no experience in this world more powerful or beautiful than that.